voice

sign

You know that feeling like you’ve been wearing a leaded vest and then one day, you just decide to take it off? Yah, that feeling. The feeling of lightness that almost sends the body and mind into an apoplectic fit. I’m having one of those moments right now.

Though I have been known to go on the offense in a vicious dog attack mode in the past, the last couple of years, for the most part, I’ve been pretty even-keeled due to the wonderful effects that qigong has on me. To clarify too, the only time I have gone on the attack was when someone had taken their bullying, words, or behavior too far. It was always when I was at the end of my rope. (And, mind you, I always mean what I say. Even in anger, I believe in absolute truth as well as absolute love.) There was one time I remember that I had been bullied for months by a coworker that I finally snapped so hardcore that the entire office was like “oh, shit.” I never lost my cool. I’ve spent the last year centering within specifically to not feel the need to react to someone else’s bating, negativity, or emotional turmoil. I lost my cool this past weekend. Yep. Totally. I knew going into the situation, it was going to be rough and so I spent the long drive there calming and centering. When I met up with this person however, it was automatic contention. I tried to ignore it, but see, I was breaking the “rules” and that was particularly aggravating to the other person. What was the “rule” I was breaking?

Wearing a mask. Yah, highly contentious, I know. But, to be honest I’m not really grasping the duplicitous, contradictory “rules” floating around out there. And, if I can’t make sense of something, I’m not about to condone or promote it. Nor will I condone or promote something that goes against everything I know and believe about health and psychology. But, that’s all for another post. [If you have a differing belief, that’s fine. I’m not getting into that kind of argument right now. I find it’s rather pointless because no one wants to hear anything, just assume and be justified in their rightness. It’s not the point of this post anyway.]

The thing is, I will not promote someone else’s fear. Ever. Especially when I’m being demanded to share in that fear. Back to the story though. After the initial ergh-ness, we chilled out a bit and were having a decent time. But, then… we were left alone. We took off to a place where I was immediately told to put on my mask if I had one because “you have to. They require it.” Um, no I don’t. And, I didn’t. Ooh, and guess what? I was fine. No problems. Just like everywhere else I’ve been to. However, the person I was with became highly aggravated. I really didn’t help when I told her that the death rate had literally only gone up by .2% last year. Yah, when you look at the numbers, they’re high, but percentage-wise, not sure that it upholds the restrictions or the continued forewarning of things to come. (Btw, I did the numbers, not read them from an article. CDC had published their weekly tolls for last year and, more recently, the actual total. You’ll have to otherwise find the population.) We briefly discussed it before it became an all out war due to the fact she interrupted me and had the gall to say I was the one not listening. Not a proud moment for me in the yelling bit but a proud moment for me in regards to the fact that I not only stood up for myself, but walked away. See, this person has always explained to me in so many ways how my voice doesn’t matter unless it is in the promotion of hers. My ideas don’t matter unless they coincide with hers. My feelings don’t matter if they make her feel uncomfortable. My genius is only brilliant if it promotes her understanding of the world.

Who is the person? You probably guessed already. She’s my mother. But, you know what? When we’re on this spiritual journey, more than likely many, if not most, of the people that have been in our lives, will either have to go or be relegated to only the rare social call or phone conversation. Reading these last few sentences and being reminded of my opening paragraph may have you believing I’m a cold-hearted bitch. Sometimes, we all need to be the “cold-hearted bitch” though. It doesn’t mean we have to be without feeling, but it most certainly means we are putting ourselves first. We’ve been trained very well to put everyone else first, though, haven’t we?

Out of roughly 30 conversations I’ve had with her in the last year alone, my voice was shut down. I was told I was wrong and even once I was told “no, let me tell you, I’ve done the research.” Um, my research actually entailed primary sources (straight from the horse’s arse), not the secondary ones of biased news media, but whatever, right? Imagine how many times my voice has been shut down over the entirety of my lifetime. How many times has your voice been shut down? Our voice is our self-expression. It is the expression of the I AM. When we shut others down and refuse to hear them, we take away their right of soul-expression. And, yet, we still demand to be heard in return? Hah! Doesn’t work that way. If we want to be heard, we also have to listen. To truly hear another, what they say has to digest, marinate, be understood and, perhaps, examined, but, most importantly, honored. Not much honoring happening lately, though, is there? That’s what fear does to people. Fear causes us to lose sight of why the fuck we’re here in the first place.

I like peace. Innately, I’m the peace-keeper for I can see both sides of every situation usually. I’m just tired at the moment though. In order for me to be an authentic being, I have to honor what I believe in, which pretty much annihilates the entirety of 3D societal view and places me, as well as perhaps many of you, into awkward and contentious positions that we don’t wish to be in. I could wear the damn mask to make it easy on myself, but then I’m validating their fear, not living my truth, and promoting the psychological harm that those who demand the continuation of them don’t seem to grasp. This isn’t about health. It’s about fear. And, fear is a great way to shut down the voice of the soul.

In the past 6 months, I’ve found myself shedding a number of people in my life. My compassionate nature has been lured too long into the complacency of allowing them to remain in my life. I see their pain. I hear the bravado in their words that merely mask their fear. I am not without compassion by far, but, right now, I have decided to allow myself more compassion. Isn’t that the case though? – we are only considered compassionate if we are giving ourselves to another, not in the taking control of our beingness. Then, we’re selfish and cold-hearted bitches. Well, I hope, if you need to step into your truth and light without being weighted down by the wants of others that you’ll join me in being the “cold-hearted, selfish bitch” and shine that light as fucking bright as it will shine!

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