Rebooting Your Life

Woman at ocean

Have you ever made that decision to change your life? I’m not speaking of changing a job or moving. I mean EVERYTHING. Literally, everything. I’m talking delving deep into all your deepest, darkest secretive places that you hide from even yourself, rediscovering your joys, shunning people who have manipulated you so thoroughly that you became imprisoned in your own mind (even if they are “family” and you’re supposed to love them no matter what), and relearning how to truly love yourself and know your worth. I’m talking the 180° turn-around that seems to scare the shit out of those around you. Yah, that.

Those of us who have been under the imprisonment of enmeshment trauma or other psychological manipulative tactics can understand this. We’ve spent our entire lives under such enforcement of “never good enough” – unless you are like me, or the determination of our worth is congruent with what we provide to others, never what we may also provide for ourselves. Hell, society, in general, teaches us that our worth is only determined by what we do for others, and, if we need in return, we no longer have value. I won’t argue with the idea that are value, even from the subjective standpoint, will always be tied to what we do for others, but I think our perspective is a bit fucked up, particularly for those of us who were raised in middle to lower income households. These are the service classes in general. We are trained in every area of our life to be of service to others. But, we are rarely trained to be of service to ourselves, are we? Instead, we’re taught escaping – through vacation, drugs, reading, alcohol, thrills, shopping. We should be getting taught (or allowed to continue the childhood wonderment of) the exploration of joy and creativity. Authentic worth, I argue, can only be had through finding joy, creating through that joy, and offering that joy and that creation to the world. I mean, when you think about it, how much service have we provided to the world in the manner in which we have been operating? How many problems have actually been solved? Perhaps my perspective is off, but it seems to me that our problems have only grown, not receded. We have the tendency to offer service in a manner that degrades ourselves and, in turn degrades others.

I may have written about this before but I have this story about trying to take a mere walk down my road. For a number of years, I would get stopped repetitively by people wanting to “help” me. Perhaps it was unfathomable to them that a lone female would be walking by herself just because. But here’s the thing, I wore appropriate clothing including running or hiking shoes, was usually in motion, ignored them by not making eye contact, definitely wasn’t waving them down or foaming at the mouth. If they had actually cared about me, they would have chosen to take me into consideration by noticing those details. I had one lady stop on a blind curve with children in the back demanding I allow her to help me. I could see my house in front of me. I use this story because I think it exemplifies what’s going on in society. We have lost any sense of self worth and, sometimes, in order to feel worth, we create problems to solve or fail to take the other person into consideration in order to feel our own goodness.

I am one of those seemingly doing a 180° and yet, here’s the thing… This is actually who I have always really been. I have ALWAYS known exactly who I am but I became so convinced that my worth was determined by others. None of the rules that have been forced upon me have ever felt right but only enhanced the unworthiness. It was like a never-ending out of control spiral into the pits of hell that made it feel like a virtual prison. So, I’m doing things on my own terms now and excluding everyone from having an input on what I choose to do with my life – literally and figuratively. In each moment, where choice is necessary, I choose what makes me happy, not what would make someone else happy. And, yah, anytime in the past that I chose to put myself first (or tried to) I was called selfish. I’m okay with that title now for I know what it means. It means I am not serving that person in a manner that they believe benefits them. In truth, my “selfishness” benefits everyone. My joy is your joy, just as your joy is my joy. I cannot encourage all of you enough to say “fuck it” to all those rules society has handed down to us to keep us imprisoned. Take back the reigns of your truth and own you.

Enmeshment Trauma

Hands gripping fence

I’ve heard so many stories of how people felt relief when receiving a diagnosis for some disease or other conditions and I will admit I didn’t understand, until now. Coming across one of Teal Swan’s videos on this subject, I actually felt that relief. I’ve described this phenom to myself in so many ways over the years, particularly recently but to pinpoint it with a name rather sealed it into place so that now I can take steps to work through it. Isn’t that weird how that works sometimes? The fact that I needed that name to validate what I felt I was experiencing is also telling of how traumatic of an experience enmeshment is.

So, if you’ve never heard of it, let me do some explaining…

Usually it begins in childhood in which one parent (at least) raises you in such a way as to force you to identify with him or her as a unit, not as individuals. S/he demands allegiance by controlling what beliefs and ideas you express to the actions you take to the emotions you express. If you do not line up with that parental unit, there are consequences to be had, such as ostracism. They will give you gifts for your loyalty or punish you for your rebellion. The only Self that is to be identified with is that parental unit. Your wants do not matter, your ideas do not matter. If it does not line up with the only Self that matters or is not acceptable within the confines of the defined boundaries, punishment is automatic and swift. This creates within the child a lifelong rebellion, compliance, or a fluctuation of both. The child’s self never matters and is therefor considered worthless, insufficient, and a detriment to the only worthwhile Self of the family unit, that of the mother or father. This enmeshment trauma is then carried on into the next generation as well as to other relationships in varying degrees. If the job of enmeshment was done sufficiently, the child will have zero ability to authenticate any true aspects of their own self apart from the parental unit. It’ll be either do this to rebel or conform because that’s all you know.

For those of you who didn’t really experience this or may have only to a slight degree, I can say with absolute clarity how traumatic it actually is. All of my life I have struggled with just wanting to be me but was shamed if I voiced me in any way. It’s rather amusing that most people know they have no clue who I am for I trust very few and therefor say little of consequence about myself. Those that I have been subject to an enmeshment situation, on the other hand, claim they know me completely. Not really amusing, I know. Truly terrifying to think about really. It has caused a lifelong rebellion for me that, despite the demands to have a career of value, I remained stagnate. Technically, I have had many different jobs over the years, many of which would fall under the guidelines of acceptability that I received, but were still never good enough. In fact, never will the enmeshed ever be good enough. The only possible way would be to reflect the parental self completely and that would be dependent upon that parent’s perception of self. To further complicate this is if the enmeshment goes beyond the parental unit into the other branches of the extended family. You more than likely take this even further to become enmeshed in other relationships. You essentially have been forced into disowning your own self. There is no I… at least not your I.

To be honest, I have no answers yet on this. In the last year, I deliberately chose to take the last year off (prior to whole year’s hoopla) for a spiritual journey of self-discovery. Much of what I have been confronting is this enmeshment trauma, mainly due to the fact that it became blatantly obvious. Whereas I had no fear this year, those that were my enmeshment manipulators demanded I fear like them, believe the ridiculous contrariness like them, and proceeded to go after me with very personal attacks to diminish me when I stuck to my truth. It’s why much of what I write about seems to have a theme – that of self-discovery and self-sovereignty. My main enmeshment trauma comes from my mother but extends to many other family members. It appears to be one of my family’s main generational trauma’s that many of us have been experiencing in the mental and emotional purging of this past year.

I just had a thought about being an Empath, as I identify myself. It may have been Teal Swan again that said Empaths become empathic because of childhood trauma and the survival need to know every aspect of the emotional nature of their tormentors. As an Empath, or survivor of childhood trauma, I can walk into a room without paying any conscious attention to anyone yet automatically read the mood of everyone in there. Survival. Fascinating to think of it that way really. The emphasis on empaths learning how to differentiate themselves from others instead of taking on others emotions cannot be expressed enough. It’s how some of end up in relationships with people we never would willingly choose in a million years – we feel their interest and cannot differentiate from the self’s interests.

When you can destroy the illusion of who you are to others and be yourself, you will have restored your innocence. Mirroring is based on which face would bring us approval. Memory approval entangles ourselves with the fear of being different. Disentangling truths allows for entering the heart space. Our beautiful uniqueness begins co-creation, where life begins. Fears can destroy the light within. And, fears have no place alongside love, light, or joy.

If you have had a similar experience, I really stress looking within and doing everything you can to learn how to find your value. The world needs you. Feel free to explore my blog, as mentioned before, the bulk of my writing is about self-exploration and declaration of the I AM. Understand too, the more you exert your I AM, the more you will be attacked. Hold firm. It just means you are on the right path. The more personal attacks I receive, I know without any doubt that my world is breaking free in so many ways. About two weeks ago, I had, as far as I am concerned, my final confrontation with my mother. I have never in my life felt so free. A week later, I received personal attacks on my character. If you need support, send an email to me and let me know how you wish to be contacted (email/phone/video chat). I’ll be more than happy to listen and help you through. Know that you aren’t alone.

In the meantime, I will continue to write more about this journey of mine, so feel free to follow along. Ask questions if you need to. Leave comments of your own journey if you wish to share.

Remember always, you are awesome and loved!

Mind yo’ beezwax

bees building hive

Most of the ills of the world could be prevented if we’d just let others be. Almost from the time we are brought into this world we are inundated with others telling us who we are, without care to our inherent right for individualism and soul authentication. I was pondering the other day on a story I was reading about a man with a burning desire, who cultivated that burning desire into his son which allowed that son a life of richness, wonderment, and creation (which was what the burning desire was.) But how many of us are flooded with support and enthusiasm from those around us for whatever burning desires we may have as children? Imagine living your whole life with that desire, having quashed it due to other’s negative words, and finally making the decision to enact upon that desire. All of a sudden, those negative people from your childhood attempt to be your biggest supporters. Rather ironic. (Or, alternatively they demand you conform and if you don’t, you are ostracized.) You’ve probably heard the story of Hitler the Artist. He wanted to be an artist but was rejected as sub-par, so he went on to be a dictator who killed and tortured millions instead. One thing I’ve noticed within me is that when I am not following my passion, I become controlling of all around me. Can you imagine how much that desire must have burned for someone who ended up as a dictator? And, yeah, I could probably find sympathy for all the worst case people of the world if I understood their lost desires. Look at the state of the world though. If your Facebook feed is anything like mine, it’s overwhelmed by complaints about the “other” who is so wrong and evil. Different news story, same post theme: I am right, they are wrong. Most of us trying to control the other. Doesn’t really work though, does it?

From birth, our world becomes about external validation. If not given the proper tools, our world continues its existence based upon that external validation, thought, and subliminal messaging. Some have said that school (at least the American school system) consists of an array of subjects to help guide the student to whatever vocation they are led to, but I, if not you too, have come to the conclusion that schools, in general, only emphasize the control factor of the external world on subjugating individual thought and expression. School becomes an external source for a child in the receiving of one of their first lessons in smokescreens or deceptive marketing. I’ve used a quote in previous posts that I’ve loved by Jaime Casap that states: “Don’t ask kids what they want to be when they grow up but what problems they want to solve. This changes the conversation from who do I want to work for, to what do I need to learn to do that.” Only recently have I come to not appreciate this quote as much. The reason I’ve come to not appreciate it as much is by seeing need or problems, actually creates more problems and needs. I mean, if you teach a child to see problems, there will definitely be problems to see. The more we are taught to fix problems, the more problems we find to fix. Eventually this idea can lead to fixing the self and fixing others. If we didn’t feel the need to fix problems but instead not see them as problems, the momentum on those “problems” could actually become fixable all on their own. Think about it. I very vividly remember a speech by Esther Hicks channeling Abraham in which she stated that we have a war on drugs, war on cancer, war on terrorism, employing campaign after campaign to put an end to these huge problems in our society but, in truth, what has our wars ever done? Create more of a problem, exacerbate it. Perhaps if we came at these “problems” by only seeing the desired result and working within the context of that desired result, the “problem” would actually go away. It’s an idea that’s akin to prayer. When we pray (if you do consciously) for the healing of someone, we train our focus on the person’s wellness, not their illness. Focusing on the wellness matches the sentiment of the prayer. When we don’t, it creates discord in the asking and invalidates it.

But, we’re so trained to only see problems. We’ve been so trained to only see problems within ourselves that in the need to right the insufficiency within, we must find even greater insufficiency in another (or outwardly), creating an endless cycle of demoralization, antagonism, and invalidation. In our attempt to fix others, we fail to realize the only lack we’ve truly found is within.

I find the irony of the fact that I’m writing this, essentially saying we have a problem in society, knowing it points back to me. In truth, everything I write about is due to my own soul-searching and realizations of my own perception of self (even had I not consciously realized this.) I mean, technically, how we all individually view the external world is how we are unknowingly (usually) perceiving the internal Self. What is reflected back to us from the external is only a mirror image of the interior. This means that on some level every problem we perceive applies somehow to something going on in the inside. Think of those external “problems” as symbolic of a subconscious perception of internal lack. (In my next post, I will be visiting this personal lack I perceive within my own self.)

Maybe we should start seeing instead what’s right in the world and looking for the goodness in others (no matter how much we don’t like them.) The more we see the good, the less the problems. But, it’s highly important for us to learn to value our own self in the process, more so really. As individuals, we are integral parts of the whole. The whole, or the collective consciousness, is dependent upon those individual thoughts, perceptions, ideas, knowledge, actions, and emotions, just as any unit, group, or society should be. Every member has value, even if we have been taught otherwise or continue to teach otherwise. If we’re the teachers of worth, what do our words and actions say about our own value of self?

Subconscious

Subconsious

I’ve had different understandings of what the subconscious is over the years. Originally I thought of it as those thoughts and ideas that lay buried within us that motivate us, causing emotional responses or actions from us. When I became knowledgeable of Dolores Cannon’s work in Quantum Healing Hypnosis Therapy, the idea of the subconscious became more equated with the Divine Self of the I AM. The first known use of the word was by the English essayist Thomas de Quincey. In his use of the word, it is argued by Markus Iseli that current usage has it confused with the definition we have today of the unconscious. Iseli claims de Quincey uses the word in such a format that indicates “implicit thought, automaticity, implicit perception and implicit motivation” (Source). What this entails then is thought, action, or reaction is based upon a developed, habitual, and, therefor, known responses of how things are supposed to operate. It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not, only if it’s the standard practice, the standard response, the standard thinking process. It’s why we never change, only become more ingrained into our idea of how the world operates. To change means to become conscious.

To become conscious at least opens the gateway to understanding that our subconscious has been ruling the roost and is merely a habitual mechanism to keep us “safe” from any notions of threat. Threat isn’t merely perceived as a ‘fight or flight’ scenario which would be more in the realm of the unconscious. No, threat here would imply anything that is outside the norm. When we finally become consciously aware, choose to change, and begin implementing that change, the subconscious begins an assault against this new threat. It’s why so few people, when making those New Years’ resolutions, will rarely stick to them. It rather defines our logic in our world; logic being that which makes sense according to what we know (See Logic Part Deux.) Should the subconscious perceive a threat in the form of an anomaly, it’s as if a lockdown has been implemented. An enforcement of repetitive thoughts and desires will assault the mind demanding it “rights” itself.

Did you ever think about the fact that the subconscious can hear you? We usually only give validation of existence to things we can see, but literally everything is energy, including ideas and thoughts. So, if the subconscious is merely an idea or concept, it still is energy. Learn to treat it as if it has value by talking to it about your plans. I actually did this and you know what happened? I started smiling and laughing. I felt light and free. It was the strangest sensation. I do mantras all the time to retrain my subconscious and I was still doing this when I began consciously talking to the subconscious BUT I told it of my plans and why we were doing this. I told it that everything we knew before were lies – that which others had told me and that I was now in the process of learning faith in myself. And, I told it what was the truth and why it was the truth and what we’re going to do with that truth. I was overwhelmed with the feeling of expansiveness. I mean, at first, there was much fear, but the more I talked about its fear and why we need not fear, the more the smiles and the tears of joy came.

Here’s the truth about the subconscious and perhaps why its definition has varied throughout the last two centuries. The subconscious is reflective of the limitation or expansiveness of our thoughts, feelings, and five senses. If we have had a limitation of thoughts, feelings, and/or actions that have created boundaries of existence, the subconscious continues that reiteration of fear and limitation. It mirrors those ideas that it becomes inundated with overtime. The prevailing thoughts become the habit, or logic. If, on the other hand, we are always challenging ourselves, learning new things, seeking out adventure, the subconscious will expand and become more freedom conscious energy. The subconscious, as much as it may be limited by those thoughts, feelings, and actions, really doesn’t like the subjugation created by limitation. Everything in the universe likes freedom, even that which we call mere concepts or ideas. The universe is always about expansiveness and abundance and freedom, and that is meant to be reflected in every minuscule component within its creation.

Logic Part Deux

question

I wrote the following question on a piece of paper the other day:

Is logic merely subconscious programming?

Defined, subconscious means “mental processes taking place without consciousness” (Source)

Consciousness: “internal knowledge,” “state of being aware of what passes in one’s own mind,” “state of being aware” (Source)

Logic: “the science of distinction of true from false reasoning” (Source)

To reason: “to question” or “challenge” (Source)

Etymologically speaking, the question would be a resounding no. Perhaps, more specifically, we should state “Is the current understanding of logic merely subconscious programming?” Hmm…

That’s an interesting way of defining logic as if one person’s determination from questioning is wrong compared to another. To clarify though, it is the act of actually questioning or challenging, not in the derived outcome. We seem to speak of logic today in terms of rightness of our beliefs, but to question implies that the one who spouts “logic” has been seeking, examining, and inquiring (Source).

It also implies that if logic was indeed used to derive one’s beliefs, then one’s beliefs would not 100% align with one’s chosen groups/factions/associations but would in actuality have a discernment in thought and ideology. If there’s no disparity between the Self and any group one aligns to, there’s no real thought, is there?

Thought: “process of thinking,” “consideration, deliberation” (Source)

In defense of perhaps the majority, is critical or creative thinking really taught within the walls of our educational system much? If there is decent access to the Arts, then perhaps, but most public school systems, particularly at the elementary and middle school levels, are quite devoid of any access or are subject to minimal time allotments every couple of weeks. To top it off then, physical limitations have been so constricted over the years in a child’s movement that it automatically imprisons the mind over time.

Personally, I think for those of us that do question everything that comes into our consciousness and, particularly, refuse to align with any faction of thought due to the set limitation on choice and the external categorization one gets placed in, we may wish to (if we haven’t already) learn to play the “devil’s advocate” or, more subtly, use the Socratic method of asking a myriad of questions to garner conscious logical thinking. A divided nation can only come together truly if we become compassionately aligned through being conscious, discerning, understanding, and learn to celebrate the individual and not the self’s righteousness in its alignment to an external sovereign.

Just something to consider, deliberate, examine, question, or challenge… Thoughts?

voice

sign

You know that feeling like you’ve been wearing a leaded vest and then one day, you just decide to take it off? Yah, that feeling. The feeling of lightness that almost sends the body and mind into an apoplectic fit. I’m having one of those moments right now.

Though I have been known to go on the offense in a vicious dog attack mode in the past, the last couple of years, for the most part, I’ve been pretty even-keeled due to the wonderful effects that qigong has on me. To clarify too, the only time I have gone on the attack was when someone had taken their bullying, words, or behavior too far. It was always when I was at the end of my rope. (And, mind you, I always mean what I say. Even in anger, I believe in absolute truth as well as absolute love.) There was one time I remember that I had been bullied for months by a coworker that I finally snapped so hardcore that the entire office was like “oh, shit.” I never lost my cool. I’ve spent the last year centering within specifically to not feel the need to react to someone else’s bating, negativity, or emotional turmoil. I lost my cool this past weekend. Yep. Totally. I knew going into the situation, it was going to be rough and so I spent the long drive there calming and centering. When I met up with this person however, it was automatic contention. I tried to ignore it, but see, I was breaking the “rules” and that was particularly aggravating to the other person. What was the “rule” I was breaking?

Wearing a mask. Yah, highly contentious, I know. But, to be honest I’m not really grasping the duplicitous, contradictory “rules” floating around out there. And, if I can’t make sense of something, I’m not about to condone or promote it. Nor will I condone or promote something that goes against everything I know and believe about health and psychology. But, that’s all for another post. [If you have a differing belief, that’s fine. I’m not getting into that kind of argument right now. I find it’s rather pointless because no one wants to hear anything, just assume and be justified in their rightness. It’s not the point of this post anyway.]

The thing is, I will not promote someone else’s fear. Ever. Especially when I’m being demanded to share in that fear. Back to the story though. After the initial ergh-ness, we chilled out a bit and were having a decent time. But, then… we were left alone. We took off to a place where I was immediately told to put on my mask if I had one because “you have to. They require it.” Um, no I don’t. And, I didn’t. Ooh, and guess what? I was fine. No problems. Just like everywhere else I’ve been to. However, the person I was with became highly aggravated. I really didn’t help when I told her that the death rate had literally only gone up by .2% last year. Yah, when you look at the numbers, they’re high, but percentage-wise, not sure that it upholds the restrictions or the continued forewarning of things to come. (Btw, I did the numbers, not read them from an article. CDC had published their weekly tolls for last year and, more recently, the actual total. You’ll have to otherwise find the population.) We briefly discussed it before it became an all out war due to the fact she interrupted me and had the gall to say I was the one not listening. Not a proud moment for me in the yelling bit but a proud moment for me in regards to the fact that I not only stood up for myself, but walked away. See, this person has always explained to me in so many ways how my voice doesn’t matter unless it is in the promotion of hers. My ideas don’t matter unless they coincide with hers. My feelings don’t matter if they make her feel uncomfortable. My genius is only brilliant if it promotes her understanding of the world.

Who is the person? You probably guessed already. She’s my mother. But, you know what? When we’re on this spiritual journey, more than likely many, if not most, of the people that have been in our lives, will either have to go or be relegated to only the rare social call or phone conversation. Reading these last few sentences and being reminded of my opening paragraph may have you believing I’m a cold-hearted bitch. Sometimes, we all need to be the “cold-hearted bitch” though. It doesn’t mean we have to be without feeling, but it most certainly means we are putting ourselves first. We’ve been trained very well to put everyone else first, though, haven’t we?

Out of roughly 30 conversations I’ve had with her in the last year alone, my voice was shut down. I was told I was wrong and even once I was told “no, let me tell you, I’ve done the research.” Um, my research actually entailed primary sources (straight from the horse’s arse), not the secondary ones of biased news media, but whatever, right? Imagine how many times my voice has been shut down over the entirety of my lifetime. How many times has your voice been shut down? Our voice is our self-expression. It is the expression of the I AM. When we shut others down and refuse to hear them, we take away their right of soul-expression. And, yet, we still demand to be heard in return? Hah! Doesn’t work that way. If we want to be heard, we also have to listen. To truly hear another, what they say has to digest, marinate, be understood and, perhaps, examined, but, most importantly, honored. Not much honoring happening lately, though, is there? That’s what fear does to people. Fear causes us to lose sight of why the fuck we’re here in the first place.

I like peace. Innately, I’m the peace-keeper for I can see both sides of every situation usually. I’m just tired at the moment though. In order for me to be an authentic being, I have to honor what I believe in, which pretty much annihilates the entirety of 3D societal view and places me, as well as perhaps many of you, into awkward and contentious positions that we don’t wish to be in. I could wear the damn mask to make it easy on myself, but then I’m validating their fear, not living my truth, and promoting the psychological harm that those who demand the continuation of them don’t seem to grasp. This isn’t about health. It’s about fear. And, fear is a great way to shut down the voice of the soul.

In the past 6 months, I’ve found myself shedding a number of people in my life. My compassionate nature has been lured too long into the complacency of allowing them to remain in my life. I see their pain. I hear the bravado in their words that merely mask their fear. I am not without compassion by far, but, right now, I have decided to allow myself more compassion. Isn’t that the case though? – we are only considered compassionate if we are giving ourselves to another, not in the taking control of our beingness. Then, we’re selfish and cold-hearted bitches. Well, I hope, if you need to step into your truth and light without being weighted down by the wants of others that you’ll join me in being the “cold-hearted, selfish bitch” and shine that light as fucking bright as it will shine!

Mission Statement

Pendulum

Sometime in my twenties, I wrote a mission statement. I found it. Surprisingly I still like it and do my best to adhere to it, though I’d strike commandment #6, mainly due to the word “ought.” That one’s right up there with “should.” Follow the desires that align to your heart/mind/body/soul complex and you need not worry about the oughts. Do you have a mission statement? What would yours looks like?

Mission Statement

I am committed to fulfilling my creative potential. By utilizing my core beliefs and values I shall endeavor to live a spiritual life that inspires and transforms. The core beliefs and values are: freedom, honesty, faith, love, creativity, spiritual growth, discipline, generosity, gratitude, happiness, health, silence, ritual.

My purpose:

  1. Survival – to provide the basic needs for my physical survival by making money, having healthy food to eat, having a comfortable home in which to live, and a car as needed.
  2. Relationship – to develop and enrich existing friendships, to form more supportive and loving friendships, to create and develop a soulful relationship with another in which love, truth, spirituality, giving, fun, loyalty, and growth are stressed.
  3. Self-esteem – to develop a creative venue that applies my natural artistic talent and to turn that into a lucrative self-sustaining business, to always give love to myself in the hardest of times, to honor my emotions and release them, to pray, to do things that I have a spiritual need to do (ie. travel, art, read, enjoy nature), and to ignore the naysayers.
  4. Transformation – to release my fears of self-consciousness, abandonment, conformity, aloneness, of public spaces, of new things.
  5. Internal cohesion – to always be true to myself by following my intuition, to follow the course that only I and Source set out, to always approach life with a sense of wonderment.
  6. Make a difference – to use my art to inspire others, give unto others as I can when I can, to always go above and beyond all I do, to be filled with love and peace and inspiration, to let others know they are loved.
  7. Service – to give love, be generous, and help the spiritual growth of others by utilizing my skills and expertise

Commandments:

  1. Always be true to myself
  2. Lighten up
  3. Do everything in love
  4. Be honest always
  5. Be fair
  6. Do what ought to be done
  7. Follow my intuition
  8. Surround myself only with positivity and joy
  9. Create
  10. Always strive to be and do better
  11. Pray
  12. Be kind to everyone
  13. Give gratitude
  14. Stay the course
  15. Pay attention to the bigger picture
  16. Find the adventure
  17. Forgive
  18. Seek peace
  19. Stay healthy
  20. Do something for someone everyday

Finding Grace

dreamcatcher

I wanted to tell someone about this lovely dream I had last night. On the surface, it seems rather mundane, but, as many of us know, dreams are riddled with symbolism. The dream consisted of several scenes. The first one, I remember calling for a ride from the driver of a school bus. She had previously given me rides before and had insisted that anytime I needed, to call her. For some reason, I wasn’t at home but was being driven home and ended up meeting the school bus a block after she had passed my home. Ever kind and gracious, she opens the doors to tell me to hop on. Instead of being gracious in return however, I felt guilt and decided to apologize several times and be overly exuberant in my gratitude, which was just annoying even to me. Now, in this first scene, I am being given a gift of faith, support, and acceptance. Instead of accepting it as the gift that it was, however, I changed the energy by feeling guilt and believing I was taking advantage of her. In the society that we have, we believe that gifts need fair exchange. We have been trained to expect equal exchange. I mean, how do we handle Christmas? Personally I hate the gift exchange expectation. I’d much rather give gifts on birthdays (or randomly) for that is an expression of celebration for that person I love, not an expectation crafted by the spirit of consumerism. Spiritually, when we give in love, it is never about reciprocation but gracious acceptance.

The second scene, I was at home and find 3 “gifts” left in my yard. There’s 2 bright yellow bikes and a large purse. No one seems to be around to claim them that I could see, but, once again, instead of accepting the gifts with graciousness, I moved them all around the corner to a more public place. After some thought though, I decided to sell them for profit. Coming out of a 3D mindset into a more profound, spiritual one can have us questioning the gifts that the Universe keeps trying to give to us. We look for ways to hide them, get rid of them, profit from them, and end up feeling guilty or not worthy enough to receive them. Our society tells us our worth is dependent upon our financial status, marriage status, race, culture, religion, education and yet none of these things are given any credence in the eyes of Source/God/Divine Energy (whatever we individually wish to call the I AM.) Source does not give a damn about the exterior, only about your divine light for we are all loved, just for being us, and only wishes to remind us of its love. In neither scene did I need to earn the gifts that were being offered to me. I was given them because in the moment I received them, I was receptive and open.

The next scene has me at some sort of conference at a hotel. I ran into a guy I met last year – more like a combination of two who kinda rescued me on my hike on the Appalachian Trail. On the exterior, he looked like one but he personified the other who was quiet, reserved, assured, and at peace with who he was. During this scene, he kind of just watches me and the scene as it occurs. He has come with a bunch of kids, as a supervisor, for this conference. I end up bonding with the kids by becoming a mother-like figure, playing with them, and encouraging their creative minds to explore whatever interests them. When we’ve all settled down and are just chillin’ and watching a movie, I am given a flash drive by one little girl, just to look at but soon after, I jump up, realizing I have forgotten my grandma who’s probably hungry for supper, and neglect to give back the flash drive. Isn’t this just like when we’re awakening and learning how the universe really works? The Law of Abundance (or Attraction) states, in part, that in able to manifest that which we want, we need to play, have fun, do what brings us joy. As we’re beginning our journey into manifesting joy and positivity, realigning our thoughts, heart, and body to a completely different mindset, we have the tendency to step off that path periodically. It’s a lot of adjustment and sometimes the fear gets in the way with the newness that we gravitate towards that which is familiar, even if it does more harm than good.

I rushed off from the last scene to my shared hotel room to find my grandma (who is just a couple of years shy of 100) sitting in her wheelchair and asked her where she’d like to go for dinner. At this moment, my cousin presented herself and said to try the restaurant her and everyone else had just gotten back from. There was a bit of resentment, I must say. In a sense, I had felt like I was in competition with my cousin and a bit resentful for everyone having gone out without us (or more specifically, me) as if I was an outsider. I felt this, even though I would have infinitely preferred being exactly where I had been, which was playing, creating, connecting, enjoying, experiencing, and living the moment in joy. When we begin to really and truly create our lives and that paradigm shift has been officially implemented, the conscious awareness that our old life is dropping away can have devastating effects. Loss, resentment, feeling like an outsider. I spent some time analyzing what my grandma represented here too. On one hand, she symbolizes a time in which I upended my life to take care of her and was overwhelmed by the broken promises and lack of aid from certain other family members. She also has the tendency to pretend she’s someone she’s not to manipulate her children. (Seriously, her kids have continued a litany of dementia for the last 15 years, but us grandkids know better. I’ve seen the difference in what she hides from them.) On the other hand, she is the one who taught me to draw and understand how color is multi-layered in a complexity of hues and contrasts. In short, she taught me to see. Now, that is a real gift – to see the details. One thing about manifesting our desires, we have to see the details. If we see the details of the “real” world, as we have the tendency to call it, like the things we call responsibilities that we use as excuses to keep us from our dreams and the development of our facade of the ego, then we miss seeing the details of the life we’re meant to live. Manifesting the original blueprint of our soul that we’ve come into this life with consists of remembering what we dreamed about as children and then smelling the scents, feeling the textures, seeing the colors and every little nuance, hearing the words and other sounds, and feeling into the heart as it becomes almost overwhelmed with love and joy and excitement.

Though there’s way more to this dream, like the fact that it has overall themes of vehicles (bus, bikes, flash drive) and “tools” (like writing and art supplies) for manifesting (which I didn’t mention), I will leave off with only one more thing in regards to my dream which is the direction North. Every person featured in this dream lives North of me, like several states North. Personally, I find this interesting in that my main interpretation of this dream has revolved around manifesting soul dreams and in our culture we have the saying “finding our true North,” meaning to align within, to which part of becoming our true North is in the manifesting of our soul dreams.

On a side note, if you’re anything like me, you may find interpreting dreams quite difficult. First off, don’t use a dream dictionary. Yes, they can be helpful but you may have a different interpretation from how the rest of society sees a certain symbol. It’s better to formulate and learn to develop your own interpretations as, if you begin channeling at any point or desire to pay more attention to the signs that the Universe sends you, you’ll have a better and richer understanding of what the messages and dreams you receive mean. Next, find the recurring symbols and ask yourself what they represent to you. Examine what is happening in each scenes. Does it remind you of anything? What emotions are being ignited? Anything significant that bothers you or lights you up? Why? Try to create a story that makes sense to you. Clarify the symbolism of any other items, people, or places that still offer some confusion.

Happy dream manifesting!

Dementia & fear mentality

Repeat

Dementia has been ever-increasing in the population within the last decade and even affecting younger adults, as young as in their twenties. It is a list of symptoms that characterize the more well-known Alzheimer’s but also other diseases such as Lewy Body and Vascular Dementia. One of the most prevalent symptoms is that of repetitive speech and actions. As a former CNA, I began my nursing home career specifically in the Dementia Unit. There was one elderly lady in particular who was affected by what is called sundowner syndrome, meaning when the sun went down, her repetitive symptoms kicked in. At around 8pm every night, she would begin fretting over whether or not she had enough beds for all her unwanted guests and where her husband could possibly be at this time of night. There is speculation (which more than likely has much truth in it ) that over-medication may be the main cause of the sundowning. The repetitiveness however is guaranteed. Through channeling, I’ve come to notice that the ego or lower vibrational beings work through repetition. See, the subconscious mind only understands repetitiveness. As there is no self-awareness in the subconscious mind, repetition allows it to function in a seemingly logical manner. In a sense, it’s fighting for dominance. What do most of you have on repeat anyway? Usually the negative stuff, right? Fear-based mentality becomes, through repetition. Positive outlooks also work on repetition of the subconscious mind but, unlike fear-based mentality, there is less of a need in the requirement to have the same thoughts, mantras, or actions. Fear-based mentality ends up causing repetition to become about control, limitation, and imprisonment, while positivity allows for freedom. Even when the external stimulus ceases to exist, the repetitiveness continues. This is called preservation. Many, if not most, of you spend the entirety of your lives in preservation. Whether it’s through your own conscious fault or through the bombardment of external sources, you continuously assault your subconscious mind with negative thoughts which you then play out through your actions and words, reinforcing the validity of those thoughts. So, technically, whether or not there may be external factors or antecedents (such as genetics), you are essentially setting your own selves up to developing dementia symptoms. As it is said, you are your own worst enemy. When you refuse to become not only consciously aware of your innermost thoughts and your externalization of those thoughts through your words and actions, but also take control of those thoughts, you allow the subconscious to gain control, eventually attaching the diagnoses of a dementia-symptomatic disease to your identity.

Imagine, for one moment, the damage that is being created every moment of every day within you from just the external sources that you subject yourself to – media, coworkers, family, customers, the symbolism of masks, magazines depicting air-brushed “perfection.” Now, pay attention to what your thoughts are versus your external words and actions.

A few year ago, I began paying more attention to this by taking control back. I’m still in the taking back control uphill struggle. There’s months I can go with little of that struggle and then something may cause me to lose that focus and allow the ugly beast to roar. Those repetitions are always ugly too – completely based in judgment and fear. Recently, I’ve taken to calling them out – “Repetition!” – and my thoughts will then be momentarily diverted. The sneaky little bastards though have learned to change the thought ever so slightly that, like political campaigns that claim “change,” they appear on the surface to be different when in reality the tune is still ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall… Train you conscious self to perk up when there’s repetition ANYWHERE. Where there’s repetition, there’s subconscious control – even if it’s you doing the controlling. The question is who’s doing the controlling and are you consciously aware of it?

Let me know in the comments below if there’s anything you’d like to add or disagree with. I’d love to know your thoughts!

Logic

brain

In the past year, much of the population has bandied around the words logic and facts as if they know what they mean. In regards to facts, there are certain ideaologies that we’ve constructed about our universe that we can all agree for the most part, as factual and true. Then there’s the idea of facts being that which is declared as true by those who we choose to align ourselves with. But, I’m not wishing to speak of facts. Logic, I find, is an interesting subject, for most of us believe we employ logic in our everyday rationality of the world around us. Logic is “the science of distinction of true from false reasoning” [Source]. Scientists have given us a set of guidelines for obtaining logical conclusions to any hypothesis (personally, I think many confuse hypothesis with conclusive evidence in this day and age):

  1. Make an observation.
  2. Ask a question.
  3. Form a hypothesis, or testable explanation.
  4. Make a prediction based on the hypothesis.
  5. Test the prediction.
  6. Iterate: use the results to make new hypotheses or predictions (as needed.) [Source]

As a side thought, at the beginning of last Spring, I had posted something on Facebook asking why we would ridicule an idea that had already been proven by scientists two decades prior as valid and therefor accepted by the medical community as true. I was told it was “pseudoscience.” (Just one of many instances I have of where rationality went out the window in favor of the group narrative.)

I was thinking about logic today because I was having one of those imaginary conversations some of us end up formulating in our minds (either you think I’m crazy or you know exactly what I’m talking about.) It regarded the difference between my experience and someone else’s who was more than willing to “set me straight” on what I could see versus what he could see. (Just a note, daydreams can sometimes suck if you feel argumentative. Lol!) He went on to explain to me in great detail why what I saw was a mere optical illusion and could be explained by various anomalies or problems concerning the eye. (I can be quite technical in my daydreams.) In response, I, of course, ripped him a new one explaining my qualifications for rational thought, listing my college GPA, IQ testing score, even how I managed to ace my science and math finals miraculously. (This is not something I would normally do in real life as GPA’s are based upon, for the most part, your ability to memorize and focus, and IQ tests are based upon your ability to rationalize patterns and abstract thought – of which many artists would excel. Neither delve into the genius that lies in everyone that is undetectable by such methods. We all have genius and it cannot be boxed into one small category of excellence, thus making it ridiculous and devaluing. It ends up creating an irrational categorization of worth that needs to be overhauled.) I then went onto explain that limitation of thought, and therefore experience, endows people with an irrational idea that their experience is the only true one and any experience that any one has outside of their understanding must have either 1.) an inability to think rationally by testing their hypothesis using the scientific method or 2.) an over-active imagination. I will be the first to say I do have an over-active imagination, which I’m absolutely and irrevocably ecstatic to have. My imagination allows me to explore in ways that I rarely see in others. It allows me to question everything that comes into my existence and if certain “irrational” things could be a part of that existence, which then allows me to explore the possibilities of how to implement things that make no rational thought in the society of that which surrounds me into my own experience. Can something that seems irrational, illogical, unsubstantiated by traditional science (Quantum Physics is a whole different subject) be brought into existence through changing ideology and through practice? At this point in my life with the experiences I have had come into my knowledge, my answer is an emphatic yes. Just about anything I can set my mind to can be had. It’s just a “small” matter of figuring out how to get the mind, heart, and body lined up into believing it.

Limitation of thought has us casting judgement upon others and devaluing their beingness.
Their experience is not our experience. We have the tendency to cast judgment before even asking questions, which shows our own limitations, as well as intelligence. So, before casting judgments upon others, I hope we all will consider asking ourselves the following questions first before declaring other’s beingness as less than:

  1. Have I asked any clarifying questions?
  2. Are the other person’s words a possible explanation of something within my own experience that I use different words for? (ie. In Christian terminology, God is used to explain the all-powerful creator. In other religions it may be Allah, Demeter, Odin, Gitche Manitou. In Atheists terminology it may be Energy or Interconnection. Asking more clarifying questions may help.)
  3. If it’s not something that I have experienced, is there a method, practice, or research that I can do to perhaps share in or understand that experience?
  4. If I am not understanding at all, how may I better hear the other person? Do I need to let go of some of my own biases?
  5. Is my judgment really necessary in forcing upon another? If so, what does my righteousness say about my own self-worth?
  6. What are my most important values in life and am I expressing them in this situation?
  7. Is my judgment based upon what I have been told by external sources as being true in life? Have I ever questioned the validity of that information within my own experience? Why or why not?